Yo, Transit Man!
New York's leading source of erroneous transit news.
Transit Man and the Melodious Mystery
By PHILIP RECCHIA
Posted Monday, August 18, 2008
Scamper to the station posthaste because it’s time again for “Yo, Transit Man!” the only subway column able to squeeze 14 full-grown riders onto a single line:
RIDERRIDERRIDERRIDERRIDERRIDERRIDERRIDERRIDERRIDERRIDERRIDERRIDERRIDER
Today we begin with a statement posing as a question.
Q: Whenever I see someone fall asleep on the train, part of me feels obliged to gently wake him so he doesn’t miss his stop.
A: What does the other part feel obliged to do?
Q: Put Cheez Doodles in his hair.
(A: This is reason No. 1 why Transit Man never rides the subway without his trusty sombrero.)
Q: The lyrics to “Take the A Train” say “the quickest way to Harlem” is to “take the A train.” But the B and C trains make the exact same stops as the A. So why isn’t the song called “Take the A, B or C Trains”?
A: Sources tell Transit Man the Rev. Al Sharpton is equally outraged by this egregious musical miscarriage, and will soon be organizing a boycott of the letter “A.”
Q: How come there are no restrooms on the subway?
A: Transit Man put this excellent question to MTA spokesperson Phyllis Wembley, who declined to comment (though did say off the record, “If you’ve really got to go, rest assured that we maintain a ‘don’t ask, don’t smell’ policy’”).
Q: My boyfriend, whom I recently dumped after finding out he cheated with my best friend, plans to watch “The Taking of Pelham One Two Three” tonight – on the DVD player I bought for his birthday! He’s never seen it, so I’d love you to spoil the ending for that little #$@!.
A: Gladly. In the final scene of this classic Big Apple subway thriller, villain Robert Shaw gets bitten in half by a giant rubber Academy Award-winning shark.
Q: Who’s the greatest Big Apple subway conductor of all time?
A: Charles Gilroy (1931-2004). During his six years with NYC Transit, “Choppin’ Charlie” racked up a whopping 79,582 SOPs (shutouts of passengers holding the doors open). Though Gilroy was traded to Boston in 1969 for two signalmen and a track inspector, his record still stands!
TODAY’S IDENTITY-PROTECTION TIP: When defacing movie posters in the subway, be careful not to rat yourself out to the authorities:
CORRECT: “Brad Pitt is a doo-doo head.”
INCORRECT: “I, Scotty Roach, of 1306 Lexington Ave., Apt. 5-G, think Brad Pitt is a doo-doo head.”
By PHILIP RECCHIA
Posted Monday, August 18, 2008
Scamper to the station posthaste because it’s time again for “Yo, Transit Man!” the only subway column able to squeeze 14 full-grown riders onto a single line:
RIDERRIDERRIDERRIDERRIDERRIDERRIDERRIDERRIDERRIDERRIDERRIDERRIDERRIDER
Today we begin with a statement posing as a question.
Q: Whenever I see someone fall asleep on the train, part of me feels obliged to gently wake him so he doesn’t miss his stop.
A: What does the other part feel obliged to do?
Q: Put Cheez Doodles in his hair.
(A: This is reason No. 1 why Transit Man never rides the subway without his trusty sombrero.)
Q: The lyrics to “Take the A Train” say “the quickest way to Harlem” is to “take the A train.” But the B and C trains make the exact same stops as the A. So why isn’t the song called “Take the A, B or C Trains”?
A: Sources tell Transit Man the Rev. Al Sharpton is equally outraged by this egregious musical miscarriage, and will soon be organizing a boycott of the letter “A.”
Q: How come there are no restrooms on the subway?
A: Transit Man put this excellent question to MTA spokesperson Phyllis Wembley, who declined to comment (though did say off the record, “If you’ve really got to go, rest assured that we maintain a ‘don’t ask, don’t smell’ policy’”).
Q: My boyfriend, whom I recently dumped after finding out he cheated with my best friend, plans to watch “The Taking of Pelham One Two Three” tonight – on the DVD player I bought for his birthday! He’s never seen it, so I’d love you to spoil the ending for that little #$@!.
A: Gladly. In the final scene of this classic Big Apple subway thriller, villain Robert Shaw gets bitten in half by a giant rubber Academy Award-winning shark.
Q: Who’s the greatest Big Apple subway conductor of all time?
A: Charles Gilroy (1931-2004). During his six years with NYC Transit, “Choppin’ Charlie” racked up a whopping 79,582 SOPs (shutouts of passengers holding the doors open). Though Gilroy was traded to Boston in 1969 for two signalmen and a track inspector, his record still stands!
TODAY’S IDENTITY-PROTECTION TIP: When defacing movie posters in the subway, be careful not to rat yourself out to the authorities:
CORRECT: “Brad Pitt is a doo-doo head.”
INCORRECT: “I, Scotty Roach, of 1306 Lexington Ave., Apt. 5-G, think Brad Pitt is a doo-doo head.”
Transit Man will be (what else?) traveling the next two weeks. Buy he will return Monday, September 1 for another episode of "Yo, Transit Man!"
In the meantime, be sure to read his Complete Adventures.
Yo, Transit Man! is an official publication of the Internet, with words and pictures and everything. Yo, Transit Man! is not affiliated with the MTA, Children's Chewable MTA, Venti Hazelnut MTA, or the MTA and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
Copyright 2008. Philip Recchia. All rights reserved.